Support Group Helps African-American Fathers

Christian Davis hasn't forgotten the hurt of mourning an absent father.
"I said I would never let my child feel the way I felt," says Davis, a 24-year-old single dad. "With my friends, I do try to get that point across, that you should be with your kids. It does make a difference."

Still, resolve alone can't always meet the demands of a rambunctious 3-year-old.
That's way Davis was grateful to find Supporting Father Involvement, a Contra Costa County program that provides counseling and other services for African-American parents.

Funded by a $1 million state grant, the effort builds from a simple premise: Involved dads improve children's lives.

"Scientists and researchers have really focused only on mothers, attachment theory and the like, but the evidence shows us how important dads really are," said Lawrence Ferber, a clinical psychologist and group leader for the project.

About half of African-American children live in homes without fathers, studies show.
But targeted interventions show promise in changing that, by building parenting skills and reducing the stress and depression that tear apart parents and erode family ties.

Based on pilot projects in other counties, Supporting Father Involvement focuses on 11-week support groups where fathers can discuss the realities of raising children in urban areas.

"It's a lot of real gut-level stuff," Ferber said. "It could be 'I didn't have enough food,' or 'I
don't know what to do'; 'my kids needs to go to the doctor,' or 'I'm trying to be on the right track because I don't want to go back to jail.'"

Recruiters find families at grocery stores, playgrounds and social service programs. Many are lured by a $400 stipend, paid in increments. "People come for the money "... but once they get here, they find out what it's worth," Ferber said.

Sessions, held in Richmond, begin with dinner, and always include child care.
Some fathers attend with their wives. Others come with ex-girlfriends. A few bring grandmothers or other relatives.

Davis, who lives in Richmond, enrolled with his aunt, who helps care for his daughter.
"I'm a new father, and I just wanted to get as much information as I possibly can," Davis said. "It's not easy by yourself."

He dotes on 3-year-old Amani, but knows he needs to learn about discipline.
"I'll be honest: If she cries, she gets what she wants," he admits. "It's hard for me to say no."
Parents discuss their own childhoods, assessing which things they want to replicate or avoid, said group leader Tracy Ward.

"We talk a lot about what's going on in the community, with the shootings and violence ... how hard it is telling your kid, you can't walk around the corner now, it's not safe.
"A lot of them want to get out of here, but financially they just can't. A lot of the dads are really beating themselves up because they can't leave and they want to. They feel like their kids should be able to go outside and play."

For up to 18 months, program graduates can get help from case managers with jobs, food, housing and other services. Many remain friends, and even swap baby-sitting.
As parents of seven, Anterious and Sonya Ellis deemed the support groups a welcome break.
"I had been kind of talking about counseling, and they said they had day care here, too," said Anterious, 34. "When you have seven kids, you don't get out much."
By their second session, they were full of praise.

"I'm just optimistic," Anterious said. "We were able to enjoy ourselves, and we haven't argued as much this week."

"It's always about the kids," added Sonya, 38. "Once you have kids you forget that you need couple time."

Aaron Lee, 26, who graduated from the program last year, said he went in committed to being a good father.

"Kids are so precious and so beautiful," said Lee, whose own father was shot and killed when he was 5. "Every time I look at my daughter and my son, it just brings something out in me that I never thought was there."

But talking to other parents helped Lee see how to find time for his 13-month-old daughter, Areanna, even when he walks in the door exhausted from his job at a recycling company. He also learned to manage his money.

"It feels good, when you need diapers, and you have the funds to go in and buy diapers. Or milk. Or food."

Lee is working to secure more visits with his son, 2-year-old Aaron Jr., who lives with Lee's former girlfriend.

Seeking a safer neighborhood, Lee and Areanna's mother moved last fall from North Richmond to Vallejo. Lee makes a point to help care for Areanna's daily needs, changing diapers, spooning peaches into her mouth, replacing the tiny shoes she constantly pulls off.

"When I see her smile, especially when I hear her call me 'Da-da,' when I'm home, and she comes crawling up to me so fast — that's something special."

By Sara Steffens Contra Costa Times